Written by: Karissa Krapf, LCSW, LISW-CP, DBT-LBC

When emotions overwhelm us, it often feels like the world is happening to us — the boss is never satisfied, we can’t lose the weight we want, our partner doesn’t understand our perspective, a best friend moves across the country, a family member dies, or a single parent struggles to juggle work and childcare. Seeing life as something that happens only to us builds a sense of helplessness, eroding our confidence and making us feel like victims. Helplessness is closely tied to hopelessness — the belief not only that we are powerless to affect change, but also that the future is bleak no matter what, so why even try? We end up managing difficult experiences and painful emotions while feeling we have little or no control to make things better, convinced that anything we attempt will fail.

There is a way to flip the script on how we travel through difficult experiences, to use difficulty to go from the victim to the hero in your story. I don’t mean to say that it’s going to feel pleasant or be easy. Going through hard times isn’t easy, and we can’t really expect it to be unless we want to create a lot of disappointment and struggle for ourselves. At a time when helplessness (victim mindset) tries to drag us into it's bed, we have choices. We can allow it to overwhelm us. We can try to “white knuckle” through while ignoring our emotions, needs, and experiences. We can “fake it” and pretend to be happy and unaffected. Or we can grab every bit of bravery we can gather in ourselves (and from the support of others) and turn to face the emotions with the goal of identifying what we can do.

Often, we can’t change the outside situation. People may act in ways beyond our control, and events will happen regardless of our wishes. But we can choose how we respond inside. That’s where our power lives. The following steps can help us move from despair toward hope and become our own heroes. The following steps give us the chance to cultivate hope at the times we are most vulnerable to sink into despair — to become our own hero in the face of difficulty.

Step One: Identify the Emotion(s)

This may seem simple, but there are so many of us that have a limited ability to know what we are feeling. We know our thoughts and opinions as the brain likes to shortcut overthinking in an effort to distract from distressing emotions. At the same time, the emotion is where we get the information about what’s needed in the situation.

• Ask yourself: What emotion(s) am I feeling? Try using the Feelings Wheel below.
• Pause there. Keep away interpretations, beliefs, or critiques.
• Example: “I’m feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and scared.”

Step Two: Validate

Respond to yourself as you would to someone you care deeply about. We approach ourselves here with curiosity and understanding rather than criticism.

• Ask: How does this emotion make sense given the situation/context/history of experiencing things like the current situation? Seek to understand here rather than to critique. This is the time for curiosity and compassion, not harshness and minimizing.
• Example: “I can understand feeling lonely because I’ve been more isolated with social distancing and pandemic concerns, and I’m a person that really likes connecting with others. I’m feeling overwhelmed because there have been a few stressors recently, all at one time, and I’m not sure what to do. I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle everything, which is probably pretty normal when a lot of things are happening at once.”

This step is influenced by Dr. Kristen Neff’s self-compassion work

Step Three: Connect Emotion to Need

Feelings signal unmet needs. Sadness often needs comfort or hope. Fear needs safety. Loneliness calls for connection. This part is a bit tricky if you’ve never thought of yourself having needs or of the idea that emotional distress is a sign of an unmet need.

• Try using the Needs Inventory and read over it, seeing if anything jumps out at you.
• Alternatively, think about needs that make sense with emotions most of the time. For example sadness usually needs comfort or hope, fear needs reassurance or safety, loneliness often requires belonging or connection to dissipate.
• Example: “Loneliness — I’m needing a bit more connection with others, something with more depth than ‘how are you?’ Overwhelmed — I need to see how I’m capable, or maybe see a way forward. Scared — I need to feel brave, to have reassurance I can do this, that it won’t be a tragedy if I fail.”

Step Four: Open to What Works

We have to stretch a bit for this sometimes as our habitual and pattern-driven brains love to generate the same old solutions to problems and the same ways of managing situations apart from what might actually work. Stay open, breathe, notice ideas or images that arise, and experiment as you try this step. You don’t need a perfect solution — just openness. Often, once you identify the need, opportunities to meet it start appearing naturally.

• Take one of the needs and consider “what would it look like to have that need met?”
• Pay attention to words, images, experiences, feelings that come up.
• Open your hands, open your posture, take a deep breath, exhale, and consider moving towards brainstorming how to put into action one of the ideas to meet your needs.

This step is influenced by David Weinstock’s Somatic Approach to working with needs

What if I can’t think of what to do? No worries. It’ll come to you. In fact, even if you do nothing towards problem solving or enacting a strategy from the thinking brain to meet the need, oftentimes you’ll find yourself meeting the need in the coming days or weeks — especially if you practice this process more than once. Our brains naturally seek out information to confirm what we are thinking about and believing and focused on. If I start thinking about the color red and where the color red is and how it affects me, I’ll start noticing red everywhere. Same with emotions. Same with needs.

You can’t always choose what happens, but you can choose how you walk through it. Even in the hardest moments, you have the power to take one step toward hope. Be gentle, be curious, and remember — you are the hero of your own story.

Let me set the scene. You’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on 485 after a terrible day, and your first thought is: ‘This shouldn't be happening.’ Sound familiar? Humans have spent years looking for ways to reduce the suffering that comes along with life. Oftentimes, what we end up doing though, makes things worse instead of better. Today, we’re going to dive into a concept called Radical Acceptance and see how it can help avoid increasing our suffering. 

What is suffering?

There’s a certain level of suffering that is inevitable with being a human being, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. From death and betrayal to job losses and even the daily Charlotte commute, we experience suffering every day. Life is suffering, and there’s nothing we can do about it. But we can make it worse, if we aren’t careful. 

How do we make suffering worse?

It’s natural to resist suffering. It’s difficult and uncomfortable so we push it away. In an effort to reduce or manage the suffering we say things like “it shouldn’t be like this” or we shake our fists in the air and say “I don’t like this!” This makes us feel like we are doing something, but in fact it is just increasing the suffering and making it worse. We are essentially adding an extra layer of suffering on top of the suffering that life deals us. 

What’s the alternative?

Fortunately, there’s a powerful mindset shift that can help, one that doesn’t involve denial or toxic positivity. Let me introduce you to a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) concept called Radical Acceptance. Rooted in mindfulness, radical acceptance can help reduce that added layer of suffering. 

What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

Originally developed by Marsha Linehan in the 1990s to support those with high suicidality, DBT has become an evidence-based treatment for many mental health diagnoses including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), anxiety, depression, eating disorders and more. DBT combines mindfulness with distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness skills to help clients create a life that’s worth living. 

What is Radical Acceptance?

We’ll start by talking about what Radical Acceptance is not. It’s not a reluctant, passive, “sigh, if I have to” kind of action. It’s the brave, active choice to lean into what is. As the name implies it’s the radical act of choosing to play the hand that life has dealt you at the moment. Now, you don’t have to like the circumstances to accept them. You also don’t have to accept that things will always be this way. You’re simply accepting that it is what it is at the moment and moving through it instead of pushing the circumstances away. 

How do you practice Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance is helpful in those times when you find yourself pulling away from circumstances that are difficult. Whether it’s wishing away grief or cursing the traffic, you’re trying to make the circumstances or the feelings triggered by those circumstances go away. In those moments, try taking a deep breath (or two) and saying “this circumstance is difficult but pushing it away will only make it harder to deal with. I choose to accept what is currently happening with bravery.” Then focus on what is right in front of you, whether that’s driving, a work task, or taking care of your kids. 

Suffering is an inevitable part of life. Sometimes in our efforts to reduce suffering, we make it worse by refusing to accept the circumstances we are facing. Radical Acceptance can help us face our circumstances with bravery and reduce the additional suffering that comes when we try to push it away. If this resonates with you, consider reaching out to us to speak with a DBT trained therapist. 

When I tell people that Caladrius specializes in trauma, I often get the same response:

“Oh, that’s not for me.”

And honestly, I understand why. The word trauma can feel heavy. Most people immediately think of something catastrophic like war, violence, assault, or natural disasters. But after ten years of working with trauma, I can tell you that what we call “trauma” often looks much more ordinary than people expect.

Once we start talking, I usually hear things like:
“I can’t seem to relax, even when things are fine.”
“I keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships.”
“I’m exhausted but can’t turn my brain off.”
“I feel guilty for setting boundaries.”
“I’ve been in survival mode for so long, I don’t know how to stop.”

That’s the language of trauma, too.

Big T and small t Trauma

In therapy, we sometimes talk about Big T and small t trauma.

Big T trauma includes those clearly life-changing experiences such as abuse, assault, accidents, major loss, or witnessing something terrifying.

small t trauma can be quieter but no less impactful. It’s the accumulation of experiences like chronic stress, emotional neglect, constant criticism, growing up in an unpredictable environment, or years of feeling unseen or unsafe.

Your nervous system doesn’t make a moral judgment about which is “big enough” to count. It simply learns how to keep you safe. Sometimes that means staying hypervigilant, overperforming, avoiding conflict, or disconnecting emotionally. Those adaptations once helped you survive but they can make it harder to thrive.

What Trauma Does in the Brain

From a neurological standpoint, trauma changes how your brain processes threat and safety.

When something overwhelming happens, your brain automatically shifts from thinking mode (the prefrontal cortex) to survival mode (the amygdala and limbic system). This is a brilliant and protective design, but when stress or trauma is ongoing, your system can get stuck there.

The amygdala stays on high alert, always scanning for danger. The hippocampus, which helps you place memories in time, can underfunction, making it hard to distinguish between what’s happening now and what happened before. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for calm reasoning, has less access, which is why you might know you’re safe but still feel unsafe.

That’s not weakness. That’s your body doing exactly what it was designed to do.
And with the right support, the brain can change again. Healing is possible.

You Don’t Need a Diagnosis to Deserve Care

Whether you call it trauma, anxiety, stress, burnout, or “just how I am,” you still deserve care. You don’t have to wait for a diagnosis or a crisis to start therapy.

Therapy can be preventative care: a space to understand yourself, regulate your nervous system, and reconnect with who you are beneath the coping strategies that once kept you safe.

Why We Do This Work at Caladrius

When I started Caladrius, my goal was simple: to create a space where both clients and clinicians could heal, grow, and thrive. Our team specializes in evidence-based trauma therapies like EMDR, Brainspotting, TF-CBT, Play Therapy, Sandtray, and more, but at the heart of it, we specialize in people.

After a decade of working with trauma, I can tell you this:
Healing doesn’t always start with naming trauma.
It starts with noticing where you feel stuck and allowing yourself to believe you deserve to feel better.

💛 You don’t have to call it trauma for it to deserve care.

— Jessie Ogienko, MSW, LCSW, CCTP
Founder & CEO, Caladrius Therapy

Ready to Begin?

You don’t have to have it all figured out to start.
Schedule a consultation with our team and take the first step toward feeling safe and connected again.

Schedule a Consultation →
www.CaladriusTherapy.com

It seems like everyone is talking about mindfulness these days. No longer relegated to yoga studios and meditation retreats, mindfulness practice can be found in schools and workplaces and even apps on your phone. But what is mindfulness? Today we’re going to talk about that and share five of our favorite places to practice mindfulness around the Queen City. 

What is mindfulness?

At its most basic, mindfulness is simply the practice of living in the present moment without judgement. Sounds easy right? Well anyone who has tried it will tell you that it is a lot harder than it sounds. First of all, we very rarely live in the present moment. Most of us spend a significant amount of our time preoccupied with either the past (did I really say that out loud last week?) or in the future worrying about what is going to happen. Even when we are living in the present moment, we are usually doing so in a judgemental way. For instance, “ugh, I shouldn’t be feeling this way!” Now that we’ve covered the basics of mindfulness, you might be wondering why it’s worth practicing in the first place. Let’s take a look.

Why practice mindfulness?

Now that you know what mindfulness is, why would you want to do it? Well, let’s use this analogy. Let’s imagine that you have a bucket for your feelings and there’s only so much room in the bucket. Now, let’s imagine that you are preoccupied with that embarrassing thing that happened last week. Your bucket is filled with regret and embarrassment. Now, let’s imagine that simultaneously you’re worried about a big presentation you have coming up at work. So, let’s add fear and anxiety to that bucket. The bucket is almost full to the top with all the emotions from the past and the future. So, when something happens in the present, say someone cuts you off trying to merge onto the interstate, there’s no room in the bucket for the frustration or anger to go, so it splashes out all over everything. Mindfulness helps you avoid filling your bucket with the emotions from the past and the future and leaves you room to process and manage the emotions of the present moment. 

How can you practice mindfulness?

One of the easiest ways to practice mindfulness is to activate your senses. One easy way to activate your senses is to practice the 5-4-3-2-1. This exercise consists of identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel or touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise focuses your mind on the present moment and helps you practice being mindful. Mindfulness can be done literally anywhere or anytime, but here are five of our favorite places to practice mindfulness around the Queen City.

Where can you practice mindfulness?

US National Whitewater Center

Located in West Charlotte, the Whitewater Center offers adventure seekers plenty to do, mostly for a fee. However, for a nominal parking cost, visitors can use most of the trails and the walking paths for free. Try sitting by the water in one of the Adirondack chairs and try the 5-4-3-2-1.

The Mint Museum

With two convenient locations to visit, The Mint Museum offers plenty to activate your visual senses. Note that the museum offers free entry on Wednesdays from 5-9 and also offers discounts to those receiving SNAP or WIC benefits. Find your favorite art piece and try naming all the colors you can see. 

Local Coffee Shop

Practice your mindful eating and drinking at one of the many local coffee shops across the Charlotte Area. Whether you like black drip coffee or the latest most exciting frozen creation, you can activate your senses in a real way. Try putting that phone away while you do it! 

Local Park

With countless options across the Queen City, you have plenty of locations to pick from. Whether you prefer to walk on the greenway or watch your kids play on the playground, being in nature is a great way to practice mindfulness. 

You’re Home

Although getting out is fun, you can practice mindfulness right in your own home. Pick an activity, whether that’s eating, doing chores, listening to music or reading a book and focus all your attention on that one activity.  Try not to think about the past or the future. Just be in the moment.

Mindfulness is simply the practice of living in the present moment without judgement. Although simple, it’s not easy. That’s why it’s important to practice. Any activity can be done mindfully so whether you practice with your next cup of local coffee or the next time you take your kid to the park, give it a try! Need more help? Give us a call and our therapists will be happy to talk to you about your specific needs. 

When we talk about trauma, most people think of the obvious culprits: abuse, assault, accidents, natural disasters, or combat. But there’s another kind of trauma that’s quieter, more insidious, and often overlooked — yet its impact can be just as deep. It’s called moral injury, and chances are, you or someone you love has experienced it.

What is Moral Injury?

Moral injury isn’t a diagnosis you’ll find in the DSM. It’s not a specific event — it’s a rupture in the soul. It occurs when someone perpetrates, witnesses, or fails to prevent something that violates their deeply held moral beliefs. This could be a soldier ordered to fire on civilians. A healthcare worker forced to make life-or-death decisions due to a lack of resources. A child who has to lie to protect a parent. A therapist who feels powerless after a client dies by suicide.

In these moments, people are left not just with fear or sadness, but with shame, guilt, and an overwhelming sense that something inside them has been broken — not because of what happened to them, but because of what they did or couldn’t stop.

How Moral Injury Differs From PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is often fear-based — rooted in terror, helplessness, or horror. Moral injury, on the other hand, is rooted in moral emotions like guilt, shame, disgust, and betrayal. You might not have nightmares or flashbacks — instead, you’re haunted by questions like: How could I have let that happen? Why didn’t I speak up? What kind of person am I?

The person with PTSD might feel the world is unsafe. The person with moral injury might feel they are unsafe — or unworthy — because of what they’ve done or failed to do.

Many people experience both, and they often overlap, especially in high-stakes professions like military service, medicine, emergency response, or social work. But moral injury doesn’t just affect professionals. It can arise in families, in systems, and in moments when survival required violating one’s own values.

Where Moral Injury Shows Up

• Veterans and military personnel: The term originated in the military to describe the inner conflict of soldiers who participated in or witnessed acts that went against their sense of right and wrong — whether through direct combat or the structure of war itself.
• Healthcare workers: The COVID-19 pandemic made moral injury a household term in hospitals, as providers made impossible decisions about who received care and who didn’t. Many were praised as heroes, but quietly carried enormous guilt for what they couldn't fix.
• First responders: Paramedics, firefighters, and police officers often face scenes where they must act quickly, sometimes with irreversible outcomes. When those actions conflict with their training or instincts, moral injury can take root.
• Therapists and helping professionals: When someone you're working hard to help dies, relapses, or suffers harm — especially in a broken system — the weight of responsibility can become overwhelming, even if logically you know it's not your fault.
• Survivors of abuse: Moral injury can also appear in people who’ve experienced abuse, particularly if they were forced into decisions they didn’t agree with or if they blame themselves for not fighting harder, speaking out sooner, or protecting others.

Signs of Moral Injury

• Persistent guilt or shame
• Difficulty forgiving oneself
• Loss of faith — in humanity, institutions, or spirituality
• Social withdrawal or isolation
• Anger or bitterness, especially toward systems or authority
• Feeling "stained" or like a bad person
• Depression, hopelessness, or thoughts of suicide

Unlike PTSD, which may cause someone to fear others, moral injury makes people fear — and mistrust — themselves.

Healing from Moral Injury

Healing from moral injury is not about erasing the memory or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about integration — holding the truth of what occurred, acknowledging the harm, and finding a path back to meaning, connection, and self-compassion.

Here are a few ways healing can happen:

• Naming it: Just putting words to the experience — “this is moral injury” — can be deeply validating.
• Therapy: Approaches like trauma-informed care, Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and narrative therapy can be effective. The goal is not to “undo” the event but to process it in a way that restores dignity and agency.
• Ritual and community: Storytelling circles, moral repair groups, and community acknowledgment can provide space for reflection, accountability, and reconnection — especially when traditional systems fall short.
• Compassion practices: Practices like self-forgiveness, loving-kindness meditation, or even writing a letter to your younger self can begin to soften the harsh inner critic.

You Are Not Broken

If you’ve experienced moral injury, it doesn’t mean you are bad, weak, or irredeemable. In fact, it’s often a sign that your values are deeply held — that you care. Moral injury can feel like it isolates you, but in truth, it’s part of the human experience of grappling with complexity, especially in systems that don’t always allow for ethical clarity.

You are not alone. You are not beyond healing. And your pain deserves compassion, not judgment.

At Caladrius Therapy, we specialize in trauma-informed care that honors the complexity of your story — including the parts you might be afraid to tell. If moral injury is something you or someone you love is navigating, we’re here to help.

Trauma can affect us in many different ways, some more complex and layered than others. While we often hear about trauma as a response to a single, intense event, complex trauma refers to repeated or prolonged exposure to harmful experiences. Often, these occur in childhood and affect the development of a person’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being. Complex trauma can also be differentiated from developmental trauma, a term used to describe trauma that impacts the formation of key developmental milestones in childhood. Understanding these distinctions helps us better support healing and recovery.

What is Complex Trauma?

Complex trauma refers to exposure to chronic, repeated trauma, often occurring in childhood, where a person feels trapped or powerless. Unlike single-event trauma—such as a car accident or natural disaster—complex trauma typically involves repeated harm or abandonment, usually from a caregiver or authority figure, and often over an extended period. Some common sources of complex trauma include:

• Childhood abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual)
• Neglect or abandonment
• Domestic violence or ongoing violence in the home
• Chronic emotional invalidation or manipulation by caregivers
• Institutional trauma (e.g., prolonged exposure to abusive systems, like foster care or orphanages)

The prolonged nature of complex trauma disrupts the person’s sense of safety, leaving long-lasting scars that can affect emotional regulation, self-esteem, and relationships throughout life.

Developmental Trauma: A Closer Look

Developmental trauma refers to trauma that occurs during critical developmental stages of a child’s life, particularly before the age of 18. This type of trauma profoundly impacts emotional, cognitive, and psychological growth, altering the individual’s ability to develop healthy coping mechanisms, self-worth, and interpersonal skills. Developmental trauma typically includes the following:

• Chronic neglect (emotional, physical, or both) during early childhood
• Exposure to domestic violence or substance abuse in the home during formative years
• Living in an environment of constant fear, unpredictability, or emotional abuse
• Parenting that is inconsistent, dismissive, or unavailable

While complex trauma can happen at any stage of life, developmental trauma specifically refers to how these early adverse experiences interfere with the development of basic skills such as trust, emotional regulation, and identity formation. This can result in long-term difficulties in relationships, mental health, and the ability to trust others.

Key Differences Between Complex Trauma and Developmental Trauma

While complex trauma and developmental trauma are often used interchangeably, there are key distinctions between the two:

1. Timing and Developmental Impact:
   • Complex trauma can occur at any stage of life, even in adulthood, and generally refers to repeated harm over time. It may involve a variety of traumatic experiences but doesn’t necessarily affect developmental milestones in the same way.
   • Developmental trauma, on the other hand, specifically occurs during critical periods of a person’s growth—especially during early childhood. It has a more profound impact on the development of basic skills such as trust, emotional regulation, and identity.
2. Psychological and Emotional Impact:
   • Complex trauma often manifests in a person feeling chronically unsafe, having difficulty managing relationships, and struggling with mental health conditions like PTSD, anxiety, and depression. People with complex trauma may have difficulty processing emotions, maintaining stable relationships, and may also experience difficulties with their sense of self.
   • Developmental trauma can stunt emotional, cognitive, and social growth. Children who experience developmental trauma may struggle with attachment, have difficulty regulating emotions, and develop unhealthy coping mechanisms early on, such as dissociation or withdrawal. They may also exhibit challenges in learning healthy boundaries or trusting others.
3. Focus of Healing:
   • Healing from complex trauma often involves addressing the cumulative effects of repeated harm, with a focus on creating safety, stabilizing emotions, and restoring trust in relationships.
   • For developmental trauma, healing must first address the early developmental needs that were never met. This can involve rebuilding a sense of self, learning to trust again, and forming new attachments. Healing from developmental trauma often requires creating a new framework for emotional and cognitive growth.

The Effects of Complex and Developmental Trauma

Complex and developmental trauma can impact both the mind and body, often for decades after the traumatic events have ended. Here are some common effects:

1. Emotional Dysregulation

Both complex and developmental trauma lead to difficulty in managing emotions. People may experience intense mood swings, emotional numbness, or have a low threshold for stress. These emotional responses often develop because the individual didn’t have the tools or safety in early life to process emotions in a healthy way.

2. Relationship Difficulties

Both forms of trauma can impact an individual’s ability to trust others and form secure relationships. Whether in childhood or adulthood, experiencing ongoing trauma can leave a person with feelings of fear, insecurity, or confusion about what healthy relationships look like. This may manifest as difficulty with intimacy, commitment, or a fear of abandonment.

3. Self-Perception and Self-Worth

People with complex or developmental trauma often struggle with self-esteem. Chronic exposure to neglect or abuse can cause deep feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy. This can result in a negative internal dialogue, where individuals believe they are unworthy of love or success.

4. Physical Health Symptoms

Trauma, especially when prolonged or repeated, can impact the body. Chronic stress, anxiety, and depression associated with trauma can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, muscle tension, and chronic fatigue. The body often holds onto the effects of trauma long after the emotional pain has subsided.

A Thought Exercise: Understanding Complex Trauma Through a Car Accident Analogy

To grasp the depth of complex trauma, imagine two scenarios.

Scenario 1:
You get into a car accident. It’s a sudden and intense event. Afterward, you may feel afraid of getting into a car again. You feel fear and anxiety every time you approach a vehicle. You know exactly what caused it—the accident—and you’re left dealing with the emotional aftershocks. You may avoid cars, or take extra precautions, but you know the source of your fear, and it’s tied directly to the accident.

Scenario 2:
Now, imagine from the day you were born, you were in a car accident every single day. Every day you got into a car, there was a crash. Some days it was just a fender bender, and other days the car was totaled. It’s so constant that it becomes your normal. You may not even realize that the fear, anxiety, and unease you feel about getting into a car are tied to daily accidents. It’s not about a single traumatic event but the constant unpredictability and fear, not knowing whether today’s car ride will be minor or catastrophic. Over time, this becomes the lens through which you experience the world—full of uncertainty, heightened fear, and an inability to fully trust the situation, because you’ve learned that danger is always present.

This analogy helps illustrate the lasting impact of complex trauma. In complex trauma, the harm is ongoing, often starting in childhood, and it becomes so normalized that the person may not even realize they’re living in a constant state of anxiety or fear. It’s not just one traumatic event but a lifetime of daily stress and emotional strain, making it harder to process and heal.

Healing from Complex and Developmental Trauma

Healing from complex or developmental trauma is a gradual and multifaceted process. Since these types of trauma often impact the very core of how a person sees themselves and the world, recovery can take time and requires patience and support. Here are some key steps:

1. Therapeutic Support

Trauma-informed therapy, such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), somatic therapies, or trauma-focused CBT, can help individuals process their experiences and reframe their sense of self. Therapy provides a safe space to work through emotions, explore attachment patterns, and gain healthier coping strategies.

2. Building Safety and Stability

For those with complex and developmental trauma, the first step in healing is often establishing a sense of safety—both physically and emotionally. Grounding techniques, mindfulness, and establishing boundaries are key elements of rebuilding a secure foundation.

3. Addressing Core Beliefs

Trauma can deeply impact a person’s beliefs about themselves, others, and the world. Working through negative beliefs, such as “I am unworthy” or “I am unsafe,” and replacing them with healthier perspectives can be transformative in the healing process.

4. Reconnecting with the Body

Since trauma is often stored in the body, engaging in somatic practices such as yoga, mindfulness meditation, or other body-centered therapies can help release trapped emotions, reduce physical tension, and help individuals reconnect with their bodies in a safe way.

5. Support Systems

Healing from trauma is not a solitary journey. Finding a supportive network, whether it’s friends, family, or support groups, can provide the validation and connection needed for long-term healing. Support systems are essential in rebuilding trust and offering the empathy and understanding that trauma survivors need.

Whether we’re talking about complex trauma or developmental trauma, both have a profound impact on an individual’s life. The effects of trauma can reach into the deepest parts of who we are, shaping how we interact with the world, view ourselves, and form relationships. However, healing is possible. With the right therapeutic support, self-compassion, and patience, individuals can begin to rebuild their sense of self, trust others, and move forward with hope and resilience. Understanding trauma, in all its complexities, is the first step toward recovery.

In Part I, we explored powerful quotes on trauma that validate the journey of healing, from accepting our past to opening up to future possibilities. Part II dives deeper into quotes that emphasize self-compassion, resilience, and the power of finding meaning. These words are here to remind us that trauma, though challenging, can lead us toward profound inner growth.

9. “In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” — Andrea Dykstra

Andrea Dykstra’s quote highlights the role of acceptance in self-love. Trauma can be hard to embrace, yet each experience is part of our unique journey. This doesn’t mean we have to be grateful for every painful moment, but learning to accept our past helps us find self-compassion.

10. “You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” — Dan Millman

For those who struggle with intrusive thoughts, Dan Millman’s words are a gentle reminder that while we may not always control our thoughts, we can learn to manage our responses to them. This quote can be a powerful tool for separating ourselves from the effects of trauma.

11. “Sometimes, we must break in order to rebuild ourselves stronger.” — Anonymous

This quote speaks to the idea that, while experiencing trauma may feel like breaking, it often sets the stage for rebuilding ourselves with greater strength and resilience. Though painful, these moments of hardship can become the foundation for a more empowered, authentic version of ourselves.

12. “Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” — Buddha

Compassion, both for ourselves and others, is essential in trauma healing. Buddha’s words remind us to approach our pain with kindness and understanding, allowing ourselves the space to heal in a gentle, loving way.

13. “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” — C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis’s words speak to the heart of healing. While trauma may leave us wishing we could change the past, we still have control over the present and future. Each day brings the opportunity to write a new ending to our story.

14. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson’s words encourage us to look inward for strength and healing. Our inner resilience and courage are often far greater than we realize, helping us to overcome past trauma and look toward a hopeful future.

Final Reflections on Trauma and Healing

Trauma is deeply personal, and healing is rarely linear. These quotes offer guidance and inspiration, reminding us that while our experiences may shape us, they don’t define us. May these words be a source of strength, hope, and gentle encouragement, helping you to embrace resilience, self-compassion, and the freedom to move forward.

Trauma can shape us in unexpected ways, challenging us but also providing opportunities for growth, resilience, and deeper connection. These powerful quotes speak to the experience of healing from trauma, offering validation, encouragement, and reminders that we’re not alone in our journeys. Let’s dive into Part I of some of the most impactful trauma quotes ever, and the wisdom they bring to anyone on a healing path.

1. “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi

Rumi’s words remind us that even our deepest wounds can be places of profound growth. Trauma can leave us feeling hollow, but it’s often through those painful spaces that we become open to healing, wisdom, and compassion.

2. “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” — Carl Jung

Jung’s quote captures the empowering truth that trauma doesn’t define us. While we may carry the scars of our experiences, we always retain the power to shape who we become and how we respond to life.

3. “Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” — Brené Brown

Brené Brown’s words resonate with anyone who has faced the challenge of accepting their story. Avoiding our pain can feel easier at first, but ultimately, healing comes from owning and processing our experiences rather than hiding from them.

4. “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” — Sigmund Freud

Freud’s words speak to the transformative power of struggle. It’s hard to see the beauty in pain while we’re in it, but with time, those difficult moments often become the foundation of our resilience and strength.

5. “Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.” — Peter A. Levine

Peter Levine, a pioneer in trauma therapy, reminds us that while trauma is often unavoidable, its effects don’t have to be permanent. This quote emphasizes the possibility of recovery and the freedom that comes with healing.

6. “Do not let the memories of your past limit the potential of your future.” — Anonymous

This quote is a gentle reminder that, while the past is part of us, it doesn’t have to define us. No matter what we’ve been through, there’s always room to imagine a brighter, more fulfilling future.

7. “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” — Akshay Dubey

Akshay Dubey’s quote beautifully captures the essence of healing. We may not forget what happened, but healing means we no longer let our trauma dictate how we live.

8. “And sometimes the darkest times make way for the brightest lights.” — Unknown

This quote encourages hope and resilience, reminding us that, often, after a period of darkness, we emerge stronger and more compassionate. Healing may be challenging, but it opens us up to new possibilities for joy and light.

Coming Up in Part II

Stay tuned for Part II, where we’ll explore more quotes that delve into self-compassion, forgiveness, and finding meaning beyond trauma. These timeless words continue to inspire us, offering comfort and insight as we move forward in our healing journey.

Creating an effective and sustainable self-care routine is one of the best ways to take charge of your mental and physical well-being. By prioritizing a routine that supports us day in and day out, we build resilience, handle stress better, and make space for meaningful growth. Let’s explore how to develop a self-care routine that’s more than just a temporary boost—a lifestyle choice that truly supports us in the long run.

Creating a self-care routine that feels genuinely nourishing has been a journey for me, too, as I’ve explored what activities lift me up and help me stay grounded. I’ve found that self-care is most powerful when it includes things that get me out of my head and into my body, tapping into that space of mindfulness and even finding what’s known as a "flow state."

Preventative Self-Care vs. Just Putting Out Fires

Many of us reach for self-care when we’re already feeling drained or overwhelmed, like grabbing a band-aid for a cut. This type of self-care is reparative, where we’re trying to fix something that’s already worn down. But there’s also preventative self-care, which is more like putting sunscreen on before a sunny day—it’s the small things we do consistently that keep us feeling strong and steady, so we don’t hit those crisis points as often.

For me, gardening is one of those activities that acts as a preventative practice. It’s grounding to dig my hands into the soil, nurture new life, and take a few moments to breathe deeply outdoors. Even a few minutes in the garden on the weekends can help me feel centered.

Flow State: What It Is and How It Feels

One of the most enriching parts of my self-care routine is finding activities that help me reach a state of flow. Flow is that feeling when you’re so deeply absorbed in something you love that you lose track of time, your mind is fully engaged, and everything else falls away. It’s not only calming, but it’s also incredibly rejuvenating. When I’m ice-skating, for example, on my best days, I forget about problems off the ice. I’m fully present, aware of my body, and focusing on the current challenge while also taking a break from other problems in my life.

Whether it’s skating, crafting, or gardening, flow-state activities remind me of the joy of simply being. They get me out of my head, keep me moving, and help me feel refreshed rather than just distracted.

Self-Care That Sustains You

It’s easy to think of self-care as those little “treat yourself” moments—whether it’s indulging in dessert, splurging on a shopping spree, or booking a spa day. But true self-care goes beyond a quick fix or dopamine hit; it’s about creating habits that genuinely nurture us for the long haul. Sometimes, those treats that feel great in the short term—like impulse shopping or “rewarding” ourselves with unhealthy foods—can lead to other stresses down the road, like financial strain, health impacts, or even guilt and shame. This can actually contribute to depression and anxiety rather than alleviating it.

Sustainable self-care doesn’t deplete us but, instead, leaves us feeling refreshed and centered. It’s about choosing activities that align with our values and goals, providing real nourishment instead of a temporary escape. When we pick self-care practices that feel genuinely enjoyable, build us up, and contribute to our long-term well-being, we create a routine we can sustain and truly benefit from over time.

How to Start Building Your Routine

If you’re starting your own self-care journey, here are a few tips:

1. Find What You Love: Look for activities that bring you out of your mind and into your body—those that leave you feeling refreshed and in the moment. Experiment with different hobbies until something clicks.
2. Incorporate Mindful Moments: Self-care can be as simple as a few mindful breaths while having your coffee or as active as yoga, gardening, or hiking. Start with little moments that fit easily into your day.
3. Make It Routine: Begin with one or two practices you can enjoy daily or weekly. Over time, they’ll start to feel like second nature, and you’ll build a routine that naturally supports you.

The most sustainable self-care doesn’t require grand gestures. It’s about building a small, meaningful routine that centers, grounds, and lifts us day by day.

I think for most therapists, the holidays can be a stressful time of year—not only because of the increased stress our clients often face at home, work, or with family, but also due to the surge of new client interest that typically comes in anticipation of the holiday chaos. When I use the term “holiday,” I’m referring to the classic Americana pressure to hustle and bustle before the end of the year. I like to visualize the last three to four months of the year as a mossy stone rolling down a hill, starting when the school year begins in that final breath of summer, picking up speed until the post-New Year’s foothill that, for me, feels muddy and rather sinking until about March or April, depending on the year.

Regardless of sociocultural background, I think most people can relate to a sense of pressure to connect with family, maximize winter break, or give back to the community in some way. The experience I want to highlight specifically is the ritual of family connection, often around the themes of gratitude and “unconditional love” that the holidays typically evoke.

Most of my clients, like me, identify with the queer community and are accustomed to hiding parts of themselves or their experiences from their families. Whether out of necessity for survival or as a coping mechanism, they often aren’t fully open with their families, an avoidance that’s somewhat easier to maintain due to limited interactions throughout the year. Leading up to the holidays, I often hear questions like, “Should I come out this year?” “Should I tell them about my partner?” or “Should I even go home for the holidays?” Much to my clients’ chagrin, I remind them that it’s not my job to answer these questions but rather to explore the meaning they’re making in asking the question or solving the problem.

Often, these questions arise from exhaustion over the idea of hiding parts of ourselves for yet another year. We may start to question whether the energy it takes to keep these parts of ourselves hidden truly benefits anyone. While I work predominantly with the queer community, this is an increasingly common question across various populations, especially this fall, as winter approaches amidst heightened political polarization and anxiety in the U.S.

Minority stress is often characterized by the chronic psychological stress of belonging to a stigmatized social group. According to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and many other theories with supporting evidence, people often think in dichotomous, black-and-white terms when anxious or stressed. What’s unique about minority stress is that we may not feel a direct sense of rejection or acceptance from family but instead experience an ambiguous tolerance, which leaves us feeling misunderstood, hypervigilant, and marginalized in family gatherings.

If you’re finding yourself asking these questions about your life or identity, I encourage you to reflect on what feels best for you to do this season:

1. Why now do I feel pressure or a desire to address these questions about who I am and my relationship with my family? Am I viewing this relationship with a pessimistic lens? Are there other areas where we align and feel accepted?
2. What were my recent family experiences like? Did I feel uncomfortable or unsafe? Are there certain family members who’ve been emotionally supportive in the past?
3. If I share aspects of myself with my family, am I prepared for the range of responses I may receive? (Please take the time to consider not only the negative but also the best-case scenarios.) How does my family typically respond to people who live or think differently from them?
4. Do I have the tools to communicate my needs, and am I prepared to set boundaries with family or friends? Can I bring an ally or partner home for support, and do they consent and feel safe doing so?
5. What would be the safest way for me to share these parts of myself with my family? Is there a specific family member or friend who might empathize with me? Do I communicate best in writing, over the phone, or in person? When do I feel most confident in who I am?

After reflecting on these questions, please be gentle with yourself and your relationships. If this isn’t the right time to share these vulnerable parts of yourself, know that you’re not weak; you’re wise. If you sense that your family or you aren’t ready to process the boundaries or needs you have, trust that everyone unfolds in their own time, and growth can’t be rushed. You’re not selfish for prioritizing your needs and protecting your peace during a historically stressful time—one that should celebrate the love we have for ourselves and, perhaps this year, our chosen families.

Love and Well Wishes,

Sav Raynor (they/she) MS LMFT

After facing a recent loss in my life, I couldn’t help but notice that some grief isn’t as cut and dry as one would like it to be. Some grief leaves us feeling confused, anxious, and above all, wishing for more closure than we got- or may ever get. In the loss I have been processing, I feel this great gaping hole in my heart that can only be filled with uncertainty and more questions, a very deafening silence to sit in and wait for answers. For non-ambiguous loss cases, where we knew the loss was coming, or it fit into our or someone else’s narrative, we can grieve the way we normally might with our rituals and community– and in time, heal. Sometimes, when the loss isn’t familiar or expected, it feels like I am standing at the edge of a dark scary forest that has no clear path or directions. The more typical losses may have a clearer path and ending, but the only thing I know for sure about ambiguous loss is that I must make it to the other side, and even then, I am not quite sure who or what awaits me. The only way we can move through such a loss is to carve the path ourselves with intentional footsteps we take into the unknown. The grief becomes familiar, and we become resilient.

The term ambiguous loss was coined by Pauline Boss to describe a situation of unclear loss that remains unverified and has no resolution (Boss, 2016). Boss (2016) identified two types of ambiguous loss; physical and psychological absences, or presences. In a physical loss, families may not know where their loved ones are or whether they are dead or alive. In the case of a psychological loss a family member may be visibly and physically present but psychologically missing, whether it be from a cognitive impairment or memory loss. In my experience as a therapist, some examples I have worked with in cases of ambiguous loss include, but are not limited to, those struggling with traumatic brain injury, addiction, runaway family members or friends, coping with the loss of someone to suicide, homesickness, Alzheimer’s, and gender or other identity transitions. To quote Boss (2016), “The effects of ambiguity coupled with loss creates a powerful barrier to coping and grieving and leads to symptoms such as depression and relational conflict that can erode human relationships.” How do we cope with ambiguous loss, according to Boss? What helps people find meaning in the trauma of ambiguous loss can include: naming the problem, religion and spirituality, forgiveness, small good works, hope, and sacrifice for a greater good or love.

Another unique effect of ambiguous loss is that of disenfranchised grief, which comes from experiencing a loss and not being able to openly acknowledge it because of a lack of social acceptance or the absence of public mourning. There is a common phrase among bereavement therapists that seeks to provide visibility and normalize client experience: “Grief lasts longer than sympathy.” It can be so difficult to carry the weight of grief, especially when it is invisible and misunderstood. Most people are relatively familiar with Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) that differentiates emotional experiences of someone coping with loss, but I want to highlight the therapeutic intervention of “grief-resolution”. Both theories emerge from continued research and study from Sigmund Freud’s early observations and writing, “Mourning and Melancholia” (1957). “Grief-resolution therapy is indicated for the treatment of unresolved grief reactions that have persisted beyond one year after the loss” (Melges & Demaso, 1980). Despite the complicated bereavement timeline of a year or longer, please don't wait for the diagnostic criteria to be met before you get support for the adjustment to your loss. The most important aspect to any diagnosis is the personal impact of symptoms experienced in relation to the problem, which can subjectively be discerned by the client and their support's insight. Sometimes when we are so close to our grief it is difficult to gauge the impact of the loss on our life and we need to lean into the observations of our social systems to know the influence of the loss on our functioning and relationships. The goal of successful grief resolution is to regain emotional homeostasis or regulation when memories of the loss are activated. These are the steps of grief resolution that you can use to process with your therapist and hopefully feel seen in the complications of grief:

1.     Accepting the reality of the loss.

The opposite of Ross’ first emotion, denial, is acceptance. I find the best way to accept my loss is to embrace the pain of my emotional experience and externalize my loss with others I trust. Even if I cannot fully share the details of the loss, I can name the emotional experience I am having and be gentle with myself with whatever experience surfaces.

2.     Experiencing the pain of grief and all the emotions that follow.

Pain demands to be felt. Resisting emotional experiences or catharsis through avoidance or suppression will only further the internalization of grief and prolong your mourning. I used to think that by prolonging my grief I could keep my loss alive or relevant to others, but what I find is that the only validation I need in my grief is welcoming and removing shame in my emotional experience. There is no perfect way to grieve a loss, and it is even more difficult to move through the dark forest of grief if we judge ourselves every time we feel lost, scared, or are brave enough to take a step forward.

3.     Adjusting to the new environment without the person or situation.

Shifting my perspective on protecting the memories and experiences I had with what I lost by sharing it with others, helps me redefine those memories that feel like they belong only to me. I get to choose what to do with these sacred gifts and how I choose to expand the impact of what my loss taught me, into something gained and even shared.

4.     Withdrawing emotional energy of mourning and reinvesting it in other relationships.

This is the hardest step in moving through grief for me because it often feels like a betrayal to the narrative or relationship I once had and lost. According to the Law of Conservation of Energy, “energy can neither be created nor destroyed”, but I feel like this step transfers the energy of the person, place, or things we lose into something new and potentially even more beautiful if we allow ourselves the opportunity to unfold and embrace transformation.

No matter where you are in your grief journey, you are not alone and I see you.

Loyally,

Sav Raynor (they/them) MS LMFT