How to Practice Radical Acceptance When Life Feels Unbearable

Let me set the scene. You’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on 485 after a terrible day, and your first thought is: ‘This shouldn't be happening.’ Sound familiar? Humans have spent years looking for ways to reduce the suffering that comes along with life. Oftentimes, what we end up doing though, makes things worse instead of better. Today, we’re going to dive into a concept called Radical Acceptance and see how it can help avoid increasing our suffering. 

What is suffering?

There’s a certain level of suffering that is inevitable with being a human being, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. From death and betrayal to job losses and even the daily Charlotte commute, we experience suffering every day. Life is suffering, and there’s nothing we can do about it. But we can make it worse, if we aren’t careful. 

How do we make suffering worse?

It’s natural to resist suffering. It’s difficult and uncomfortable so we push it away. In an effort to reduce or manage the suffering we say things like “it shouldn’t be like this” or we shake our fists in the air and say “I don’t like this!” This makes us feel like we are doing something, but in fact it is just increasing the suffering and making it worse. We are essentially adding an extra layer of suffering on top of the suffering that life deals us. 

What’s the alternative?

Fortunately, there’s a powerful mindset shift that can help, one that doesn’t involve denial or toxic positivity. Let me introduce you to a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) concept called Radical Acceptance. Rooted in mindfulness, radical acceptance can help reduce that added layer of suffering. 

What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

Originally developed by Marsha Linehan in the 1990s to support those with high suicidality, DBT has become an evidence-based treatment for many mental health diagnoses including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), anxiety, depression, eating disorders and more. DBT combines mindfulness with distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness skills to help clients create a life that’s worth living. 

What is Radical Acceptance?

We’ll start by talking about what Radical Acceptance is not. It’s not a reluctant, passive, “sigh, if I have to” kind of action. It’s the brave, active choice to lean into what is. As the name implies it’s the radical act of choosing to play the hand that life has dealt you at the moment. Now, you don’t have to like the circumstances to accept them. You also don’t have to accept that things will always be this way. You’re simply accepting that it is what it is at the moment and moving through it instead of pushing the circumstances away. 

How do you practice Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance is helpful in those times when you find yourself pulling away from circumstances that are difficult. Whether it’s wishing away grief or cursing the traffic, you’re trying to make the circumstances or the feelings triggered by those circumstances go away. In those moments, try taking a deep breath (or two) and saying “this circumstance is difficult but pushing it away will only make it harder to deal with. I choose to accept what is currently happening with bravery.” Then focus on what is right in front of you, whether that’s driving, a work task, or taking care of your kids. 

Suffering is an inevitable part of life. Sometimes in our efforts to reduce suffering, we make it worse by refusing to accept the circumstances we are facing. Radical Acceptance can help us face our circumstances with bravery and reduce the additional suffering that comes when we try to push it away. If this resonates with you, consider reaching out to us to speak with a DBT trained therapist.