Grief lasts longer than sympathy

After facing a recent loss in my life, I couldn’t help but notice that some grief isn’t as cut and dry as one would like it to be. Some grief leaves us feeling confused, anxious, and above all, wishing for more closure than we got- or may ever get. In the loss I have been processing, I feel this great gaping hole in my heart that can only be filled with uncertainty and more questions, a very deafening silence to sit in and wait for answers. For non-ambiguous loss cases, where we knew the loss was coming, or it fit into our or someone else’s narrative, we can grieve the way we normally might with our rituals and community– and in time, heal. Sometimes, when the loss isn’t familiar or expected, it feels like I am standing at the edge of a dark scary forest that has no clear path or directions. The more typical losses may have a clearer path and ending, but the only thing I know for sure about ambiguous loss is that I must make it to the other side, and even then, I am not quite sure who or what awaits me. The only way we can move through such a loss is to carve the path ourselves with intentional footsteps we take into the unknown. The grief becomes familiar, and we become resilient.

The term ambiguous loss was coined by Pauline Boss to describe a situation of unclear loss that remains unverified and has no resolution (Boss, 2016). Boss (2016) identified two types of ambiguous loss; physical and psychological absences, or presences. In a physical loss, families may not know where their loved ones are or whether they are dead or alive. In the case of a psychological loss a family member may be visibly and physically present but psychologically missing, whether it be from a cognitive impairment or memory loss. In my experience as a therapist, some examples I have worked with in cases of ambiguous loss include, but are not limited to, those struggling with traumatic brain injury, addiction, runaway family members or friends, coping with the loss of someone to suicide, homesickness, Alzheimer’s, and gender or other identity transitions. To quote Boss (2016), “The effects of ambiguity coupled with loss creates a powerful barrier to coping and grieving and leads to symptoms such as depression and relational conflict that can erode human relationships.” How do we cope with ambiguous loss, according to Boss? What helps people find meaning in the trauma of ambiguous loss can include: naming the problem, religion and spirituality, forgiveness, small good works, hope, and sacrifice for a greater good or love.

Another unique effect of ambiguous loss is that of disenfranchised grief, which comes from experiencing a loss and not being able to openly acknowledge it because of a lack of social acceptance or the absence of public mourning. There is a common phrase among bereavement therapists that seeks to provide visibility and normalize client experience: “Grief lasts longer than sympathy.” It can be so difficult to carry the weight of grief, especially when it is invisible and misunderstood. Most people are relatively familiar with Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) that differentiates emotional experiences of someone coping with loss, but I want to highlight the therapeutic intervention of “grief-resolution”. Both theories emerge from continued research and study from Sigmund Freud’s early observations and writing, “Mourning and Melancholia” (1957). “Grief-resolution therapy is indicated for the treatment of unresolved grief reactions that have persisted beyond one year after the loss” (Melges & Demaso, 1980). Despite the complicated bereavement timeline of a year or longer, please don't wait for the diagnostic criteria to be met before you get support for the adjustment to your loss. The most important aspect to any diagnosis is the personal impact of symptoms experienced in relation to the problem, which can subjectively be discerned by the client and their support's insight. Sometimes when we are so close to our grief it is difficult to gauge the impact of the loss on our life and we need to lean into the observations of our social systems to know the influence of the loss on our functioning and relationships. The goal of successful grief resolution is to regain emotional homeostasis or regulation when memories of the loss are activated. These are the steps of grief resolution that you can use to process with your therapist and hopefully feel seen in the complications of grief:

1.     Accepting the reality of the loss.

The opposite of Ross’ first emotion, denial, is acceptance. I find the best way to accept my loss is to embrace the pain of my emotional experience and externalize my loss with others I trust. Even if I cannot fully share the details of the loss, I can name the emotional experience I am having and be gentle with myself with whatever experience surfaces.

2.     Experiencing the pain of grief and all the emotions that follow.

Pain demands to be felt. Resisting emotional experiences or catharsis through avoidance or suppression will only further the internalization of grief and prolong your mourning. I used to think that by prolonging my grief I could keep my loss alive or relevant to others, but what I find is that the only validation I need in my grief is welcoming and removing shame in my emotional experience. There is no perfect way to grieve a loss, and it is even more difficult to move through the dark forest of grief if we judge ourselves every time we feel lost, scared, or are brave enough to take a step forward.

3.     Adjusting to the new environment without the person or situation.

Shifting my perspective on protecting the memories and experiences I had with what I lost by sharing it with others, helps me redefine those memories that feel like they belong only to me. I get to choose what to do with these sacred gifts and how I choose to expand the impact of what my loss taught me, into something gained and even shared.

4.     Withdrawing emotional energy of mourning and reinvesting it in other relationships.

This is the hardest step in moving through grief for me because it often feels like a betrayal to the narrative or relationship I once had and lost. According to the Law of Conservation of Energy, “energy can neither be created nor destroyed”, but I feel like this step transfers the energy of the person, place, or things we lose into something new and potentially even more beautiful if we allow ourselves the opportunity to unfold and embrace transformation.

No matter where you are in your grief journey, you are not alone and I see you.

Loyally,

Sav Raynor (they/them) MS LMFT